Growing up, I wished for my sister to die. Over and over, I imagined her dying a sad, lonely, and painful death. Just a few months ago, I made up a story about her being our rotisserie dinner... Everyone ate and had their fill.... And best of all, nobody missed her.
When I was a freshman in high school, Amanda was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Knowing it can be removed easily, with little-to-no complications, we weren't scared for her. The only scary part was when her oncologist had suspicions of cancer in her voicebox.
She's been in remission for nearly 4 years.
I found out today, the cancer is back. This time, its the lymph nodes in her neck. She has a massive scar from the previous surgeries, and lucky for her, they'll be able to go through the same scar.
I feel guilty for her cancer. I had wished everyday and night for her to be in pain. For her to feel what I was feeling. I wanted her to be helpless, scared, overwhelmed, & overpowered. I want/ed her to suffer.
Well, now, she's in trouble. How could I have wished this on her? -My own sister!-
She has caused me much pain... emotional, as well as physical. I can't count the number of times I cried myself to sleep, on thursday nights.... And I can never be the young innocent child again... a child who has fun, with no cares in the world... My childhood will always consist of wondering if girls are supposed to like girls, or the other way around... wondering how to make Amanda happy in bed.. or, my favorite, worrying about whether or not strange objects are supposed to go up that hole... To say the least, I'm pissed at her. But, thats no reason to wish bad things for her life.
Amanda is a mommy now. David needs his mom to be healthy, so she can take care of him!
I may not forgive Amanda, but I do hope the cancer is removed with minimal complications.
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