Ongoing Rant.

fam·i·ly

n. pl. fam·i·lies

1. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
2. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.
3. A group of like things; a class.

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I've been having a tough time lately, wrapping my head around the concept of family. None of it seems to make sense. Not only my family, but families in general... Why should we be bound to these people? Is blood the only answer? Because, some families are by marriage, or adoption.

Family first. Why?

Why are babies born into abusive homes? Why are children so trusting of their parents? They don't know what they're capable of, or what might happen to them... What is so special about a mother? A father? Why can't people receive/give the same affection from/to someone outside of the 'family'? Why is that so strange?

Parents are lame. They are too quick to leave.

Why couldn't I have had Christian parents who raised us up in Jesus? Of all the men, why did mom pick Keith? Why did Daddy leave us here? Why didn't he take us with him?

I'm stuck with these people for the rest of my life...... And yet, the people I love, and don't want to lose, have no commitment to me. The way life goes, we [the people I love] won't be together for long... but I'll still have to see these people, my family, for holidays to come!

Why can't they be less controlling, and instead be genuinely interested in me? How can my uncle randomly decide he doesn't like me? And miss my 18th birthday, graduation, life...... Am I that horrible? So unlikeable, that the people who are supposed to love me, choose not to? What did I do, or say? I've done my best to keep my opinions secret, to stay quiet, to not get over excited, not be too boring, be thin enough, but not too thin.... If I 'like' everything that everyone else does, why aren't I likable? How do I convince my family that I'm worthwhile?

But, in all honesty, I don't want to spend time with my family. I want a family.... But I don't want mine. I want one that doesn't have to be convinced, I am more than dirt. I want a family who eats meals together regularly, and talks about everything!, with nothing to hide. Is it too much to ask for parents and grandparents who don't call you names behind your back? Who don't say you're fat, when they, themselves, are overweight?

It's been said that, 'I may have to deal with the family I've been given, and that's alright... I can start new with my own family.' That's easier said than done. Who are people kidding? My own family doesn't like me, no man in his right mind is going to want what I have (Let alone, start a family with me). Mostly, because I don't have anything to give. Nothing that is worthy of him, anyway. Even if I were to find someone who wants me, I don't want to be like my mom. I don't want to stay with him, just because I'm afraid to be alone.... I don't know how to have a successful marriage/relationship, anyway.... My family is either divorced, lesbian, or a corrupt married couple (married, but oughtn't be). If I am to find someone, I'll surely screw it up.

Maybe I'm better off alone. Without family. Without a husband. Without children. There won't be anyone to hate me.