Hello, Ana. It's been a while...

I had been doing so well these past 10-12 months. There was the occasional slip, but overall, everything looked so up. Ana is creeping back into my life, and I'm allowing her to swallow me up. Instead of telling her to shut up, I find myself agreeing with her. The names, "Worthless. Stupid. Filth. Deadbeat. Insufficient. Poor. Disgusting. Whale; Hippo. Tainted. Unwanted. Burden. Monster. Insulting. Useless. Creep. Revolting. Used. Rat. Ugly, Inside and Out. Garbage. Needy. Idiot. Pathetic. Abysmal. Dreadful. Heffer. Bossy. Unimportant," have run through my mind for weeks on end. Today was the culmination of the past few weeks.

Randomly, I woke-up before 8am this morning. I rolled back over, but wasn't able to fall back to sleep again. But, nonetheless, I stayed in bed a while longer, finally grabbing my computer and pulling it under the covers with me. I stayed here until noonish, until daddy started texting me, and mom came in to have me witness her signing the "Heroes Wall" contract. Not only did I find it a waste of time and energy to get out of bed... The farthest I've gone today was to the couch and back. I am still in the same pajama's I put on last night. My teeth haven't been brushed today. My hair needs to be washed. I probably smell disgusting. And I am still in my room, in the dark, under my covers.

Although my physical body hasn't done anything for itself today, my mind has wandered all over. I have added 9 thinspiration to my dead collection. The good stuff, not thinspo of girls who think they're thin but really aren't. As far as I know, only 1 of the 9 have been photoshopped. Plus the old one of Angelina Jolie, there are only 2 altered pics in my small collection.

I visited Calorie count today. The last time I logged on was in July. In June/July, I weighed 115, and I had made it my goal (On CalorieCount) to weigh 100 before February 2, 2010. I was going to consume a total of 1200 calories a day, with decent exercise. I remember thinking that if I take till February to lose 15 pounds, maybe people won't notice the steady loss. Unfortunately, it is already December and I am still fluctuating at 110. I'm not thrilled with this number, but what floors me, is I wasn't trying to lose 5 pounds.... I wasn't even trying for 100! I had pushed-away my worries with the number, and did my best to revoke Ana.... I even STOPPED exercising! But I lost 5 pounds all the same. What the heck.

I found a website with a substantial list of restaurants, and calorie/fat/sodium/general nutrition information, for every item on the menu. I ended with Red Robin, where you can customize any item on their website. Cut out bacon, substitute a garden patty, eliminate mayo, mustard, and sauces (Which only serve purpose before purging)... Do whatever you want to your meal, including substitute melon in place of fries.

Using a lettuce wrap, instead of a bun, along with other changes, I perfected an entire meal (water, burger, and side of melon) to be 209 calories(the burger alone only adds up to 148 c.)

A burger that started out with nearly 600 c., is now less calories than consuming two, 90 calorie, quaker granola bars.

If my memory serves me right, consuming both frosted pop-tarts equals 400 calories. I would have to eat 2.7 of these burgers just to equal a pack of pop-tarts.... Thats a burger I wont complain about!!

Today, I was also thinking about August 2008, when I had just gotten out of The Bella Vita, and had to fly Eric to Texas, to help him move-in. I freaked out because of the memories in that house (If for nothing else, thank God my Texas parents moved from there.) One day that Eric went to the com pool, and I stayed behind (parents were working), I snuck into their bedroom. I knew I had gained weight, but TBV wouldn't tell me how much. I desperately wanted to try on a pair of Chrissy's pants. I thought for sure they would fit, or else, be a little loose around the calves and ankles. But, I had so anticipated my thighs and waist to bulge, I was surprised that as I let go, they fell to the ground. Of course I don't want to be as big as I feel, or however you want to say it.... But I had hoped, even prayed, for them to fit me! It would have been even better, had they been too tight. I just want Something to agree with how I'm feeling. I want something to correlate with what the mirror is telling me. I feel as though nobody understands me; Nobody is looking at the same parts of my body that I am looking at. They can't be... I've come out in my underwear, and asked my mom how to lose the disgusting love-handles, tummy, and especially my inner thighs. She says I'm nuts, and if I lose a measly 6 pounds, I'll begin to look skeletal. WHO IS SHE LOOKING AT?!? I know its not of me! I'm not even NEAR skin&bones. I AM SO FAR FROM IT, and yet people freak out when they hear 95, or even 100 pounds. I am short, and round. 100 pounds is skeletal to someone who is 5'8", but not a girl who is 5'0" !! I would have to be 85-90 pounds to look as attractive as a tall, 100 lb. person. And yet, even knowing this, I am not striving for 80 or 85 pounds. I am striving for 100... For a number that is not quite satisfying, yet is a good compromise between what I want, and what they want.