I agree. I am doing better. I don't think of suicide as often, and when I do... I don't see it as my only way out. I am not preoccupied with the idea, 24/7. Most importantly, I don't see it as a gateway to Eric. He isn't on the otherside of my pill bottles. He isn't going to meet me at the bottom, when I go over the ledge..... He isn't in Hell. Killing myself isn't going to bring us together, rather, it will keep us apart for eternity. I've barely been able to handle 6 months, much-less forever. (*sigh* 6 months, this week.. Can you believe it?)
I suppose, I do feel "better." But, while I've been getting stronger in these areas (with the help of my meds), I feel even more helpless & hopeless...
These past months, Megan has introduced me to a variety of things, I never could have imagined. Unfortunately, they completely contradict with what I've been learning these past 5 years, at church.
Even knowing the consequences, and the warning against such things, I want to believe. I want to believe that I can call on Eric, and that he'll take me places... we'll laugh at dumb jokes, and eat candy together, like always. He'll tell me how much he loves me, and about all of his adventures in Heaven! We'd play guitar hero, and he would tell me how much I suck. And when we have to say goodbye, he'll promise to come visit again soon. Before he leaves, he'll tell me, 'Goodnight. Don't let the bedbugs bite!' Then he'll squeeze me till I can't breathe, and my ribs begin to ache... 'I love you, little brother,' I'll say... and he'll disappear back into Heaven. But I'd know he's only a nights' sleep away.
I feel helpless, because I know this can never be. No one makes me feel like Eric did. No one has his sense of humor, and no one loves me quite the way he did... with his genuine smile, and admiration for me. Every night, I secretly ask Eric to come visit me in a dream. Not an astral, although that is what I want most, Micaela has made it clear that such things are not possible & are idiotic. But he doesn't come to me, not even in a dream (Other than the nightmare I had, when Eric first died). Oh, I have remarkable, (brilliant, even!) dreams.. Dreams about schools burning down, massacres, my ignorant mother, chaos & police men, ambulances, fire trucks.... Dreams about cow's blood, abandonment.... All dreams that I can remember. But none, so far, about my little brother.
While my symptoms seem to be getting addressed, I still feel.... Miserable. Broken. I don't see any meaning to this pain I am suffering from. ....I need an explanation. Why my brother? Why now? Why couldn't I have told him how much I love him, and adore him, and miss him, when we were on the phone, 2 days before he died.... Why was I so quick to get off the phone? Did I tell him I loved him?.....I don't remember. Did he know I was joking, when I told him to go play his game, that I want to talk to daddy? 'I don't want to talk to you anymore,' I said, with laugh... 'Give the phone to daddy.'
If you can hear me, little brother, I love you soooo much. More than I could have ever told you... I miss spreading peanut butter on bread for you, because you always tore the bread... I miss sharing pez candy with you...You always gave me the good colors. I miss the way you'd beg me to go to the pool with you.. How you didn't understand my self-conscience behaviors... You always wanted meet my teachers, and tag along with me and my friends. You were genuinely concerned when I was depressed, and wanted me to talk to you about it... I was too ashamed to tell you the things I was feeling & thinking. I wanted you to think I was invincible.. That nothing could tear me down. I'm your big sister, after all. You, on the otherhand, always confided in me. I want you to know how much that meant to me... That you could trust me with your fears, and were comfortable enough to shout, and cry, and tell me how you're feeling.
I love you so much, and I miss you everyday... ♥
Love always,
Your Big Sister, Sarah
And P.S.>>>
Eric-
I made this pink, for you =)
God-
If this is the most connected I can ever be with Eric.... I never want the pain to go away.
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