Out of Control

There's something terribly wrong with me. At one point in my life, I was capable of losing 27 pounds in a matter of months... Not only was I able to lose it, but I easily kept it down. Feeling hunger meant having power. It was comfort, and brought me happiness.

I don't know what's changed in me.... It has become extremely difficult to restrict my food intake. I want to feel full all the time. I want to eat, and not because I'm hungry.... My mind screams, STOPPP! But, somewhere inside of me, I'm told to keep eating. To stay full.


I see major differences in my body... Last summer, I was disgusted and embarrassed with parts of me... But I would give ANYTHING to look that way, now.... This year, I've become an animal. Eating everything, my stomach growing, my thighs moving closer together, everything is falling apart!
It's not in my head. I am NOT imagining these changes.


I weighed myself.


Yes. I know it was wrong. But, I have proof that my body has gotten heavier... larger, even. NOT ONLY HAVE I GAINED WEIGHT....... I AM AT MY 'ULTIMATE FAT NUMBER'... Nothing could be worse than this! And yet... Guess what I did today??!!!
I ate handfuls of cashews... a medium soda... cookies... a donut... fage w/ honey... salad w/ ranch... PIZZA w/ ranch. Not 1 slice, but 2!!... What the CRAP am I DOING???!!! I wasn't even hungry for most of it!
I'll tell you what I'm doing.... I'm fucking myself into a grave. A grave of shame, misery, defeat.... How could I have gotten so weak?!


I want to go back to starving myself. I want my power back. I want to be thin. Im getting killed here, watching my 50 year old mother, prance around in her leggings! How is she a size 3?!! She's OLD!


I CANNOT let myself weigh more than what I am right now.... If I have to fill up on water before meals, then I will. If I have to keep sweets out of the house, I will. I will do whatever it takes to not have another day like this one.


I've been out of control.