A Stroll Through Memory Lane....
Growing up, Eric and I were like any normal siblings.. I didn't want him hanging around when my friends were over, and we fought... a lot. Sometimes, we were really mean to eachother. But, despite of all that... Eric was my best friend. My favorite memory with him, was when my daddy moved to texas.. After we said goodbye for the last time, we closed the front door, and both Eric and I fell apart. We just hugged and cried for the longest time. Then, to make me feel better, he gave me the blue bear Chrissy had given him. He loved me so much.
Taking Some Time to be Self Aware....
Currently, I see myself slipping back into my eating disorder. If it were a pond, I'd already have my toes wet. Although, while my ED mind wants the end results: looking like a supermodel... My Wise mind reminds me of the torture I have to go through to get there. Ultimately, I don't want anything to do with that. It involves pain. Physical, mental, spiritual... all forms of hurt, and loss. Not only loss of weight, but also, a sad loss of friends, mental stamina, and worse of all... A loss of self.
Right now, I feel myself in this state of Limbo. For the most part, I'm not engaging in ED behaviors. I see my body, and I don't like it. I weigh myself, and it scares me. Last night, I went to the gym and did everything I wasn't supposed to. I was there for roughly 3 hours, Ran/biked a total of 10 miles, used the sauna for 20 minutes (until I was dripping sweat, and couldn't breathe), and weighed myself before & after. I look at that, and know its bad. I know its a slippery slope for me to be on, and I should run (no pun intended!) away from it, as fast as I can. But on the other hand, I don't see it as an everyday thing. I was planning to go to the gym tonight, but thought, "No. I went last night, I don't need to go tonight." If I were engulfed in my ED, I would have gone, and would still be at, the gym. Again, this state of Limbo... I am not IN my ED, but I'm not totally clear of it, either. I am stuck in the middle between wanting something, and not wanting to sacrifice for it. So where does that leave me?
1 comment:
Sarah...:( Really wishing I could help you. Wishing you really had a professional who could help you. Wishing you weren't moving so far away. Wishing faith and the big M weren't always there in the middle, on the table, getting in the way. Wishing it were easier. Wishing you knew and could believe how wonderful you are, how beautiful you are, and how much you deserved to be loved. I love you!
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