I SUCKKKK @ RECOVERY

I weigh more right now than I have weighed in the last Seven (7) years. I feel as though my eating disorder has gone from Anorexia, to a form of Bulimia, to EDNOS, and now to Compulsive Eater! All I do is eat, think about eating, talk about eating.... Where has all of my control gone?! At one point in my life, I used to be able to limit my calorie intake, to 400 a day! And now, I am stuffing my face with Drumstick Ice creams, Guacamole, Granola bars, LOTS of soymilk, Fruity Pebble cereal, Pizza, garlic bread, pasta, 19 oz. Red Bull (talk about carbs....), and whatevers in the house! I'm downing SO many starches, and SO many fats.... I'm not getting much protein in, and zero vegetables....! I don't know what I'm doing to myself. I'm visibly killing my body. I see t, but I don't know how to stop. Its almost impossible to restrict anymore... I HATE feeling hungry..... Which, that feeling used to bring me strength and power.

I'm afraid to purge it. If I purge, I know I'm am for sure back in my eating disorder. And I don't want that. But with not purging, I'm just intaking all of this food, and it just sits in my stomach, making my thighs grow wider, my stomach fuller..... My face gets pudgier. ARRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE DOING THIS TO MY BODY! I'm going to be as fat as my stepmom! My jeans are tighter, clothes just don't fit right.... I'm embarrassed to go shopping with Katlyn, whom I used to ALWAYS go shopping with! With the divorce, we can't afford my gym membership anymore. What am I going to do when I become even fatter?! UGHHH....