I'm Taking Care of Me

My head has been spinning so wildly, thoughts and information (..and feelings!) are crammed into my body. Last night I couldn't help but have some spill out! Even though it was most inopportune time.

Lets start from the beginning.

For some time now, 2 months or so, I've decided I'm ready to try packing. This was a big decision for me. Once I made up my mind, that I was actually going to purchase my own packer, and I was actually going to wear it around the house and out in public..... I felt this rush of energy! This feeling of empowerment! I figured this was something I could do in secret, and even though I would be walking around town, unless someone was staring me down, I would be the only one who'd know.

Christmas was coming around the corner, and I knew I would have enough money for a decent packer. I had my eye on one.. It seemed to have much better reviews than its competitors, and it was for a better price. I didn't want anything too big, because obviously, I'm not a big person. 

As Christmas inched closer, just a week away, I made another decision! I decided I was done with my long hair. I wanted a typical guys cut. The thing about the hair, is that unlike the packer, it is not a secret. EVERYBODY can see it, and EVERYBODY can judge. Thats the scary thing. But I just have to be confident that I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm doing it for me, and I'm meeting my needs.

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Here's a little tangent about the hair for you:
Two years ago, I was sick of my hair, but I didn't know how to express it. I made excuses, and said anything, in the hopes that my mom would let my shave my head. You can read that blogpost by clicking on this link. I was still so scared to let anybody know the real reason, (Not that I'm not scared now, but I'm not as scared as I was before) that I was willing to get a wig after cutting my hair! HELLO! Then whats the point?! The point is to be confident in your gender, and to eventually "pass" as that gender!

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The thing about all of this, is that I am not doing anything I am uncomfortable with. I said in a previous post, titled "Male Versus Female," that I am not trans, because I do not want to have Gender Reassignment Surgery. And what is true, is that I do not want to have the surgery. I am not comfortable with ripping out my uterus during a hysterectomy, or removing my ovaries. And as of right now, I am comfortable with the idea of packing for the rest of my life.

SO. You're probably wondering what the first two sentences have to do with anything. Right? Or maybe you forgot all about them. Well let me remind you...

I had my eye on this decent looking packer, right? I was floored. My hearts racing, I'm all excited and giddy. I received some money for Christmas, and I was gonna buy my manhood. Sadly, I miscalculated everything, and the total turned out to be much more than I expected. I was bummed. But it was gonna have to wait.

At the end of this month, my dad is coming to California! So Keith has been letting me go to work with him to earn some spending money, for when my dad is in town. I earned up to 107 dollars! But I haven't forgotten what I want most. I knew I should save the money for when my dad visits. That is what I have been working for! But the temptation was too great. Yesterday, I logged on to the WWW and ordered what has been on my mind, and missing from my life. When would I have had another chance like this to purchase my packer? and, I figured this was great timing! I thought, 'if I buy my packer now, my dad can buy my a pair of jeans, and they will fit great!'

My mom got home, and wanted to know what I bought for $84.00 (tax and shipping included). Keith was peeved that I spent the money that was supposed to be spent with my dad, and he kept harping my mom to tell him what I bought! (She had no idea, so she was getting frustrated with him). 

Before the night was up, I brought my mom into my room, and tried to explain to her that I am a biological girl but I want to be a boy. I didn't do a very good job of explaining things to her. She kept giving me reasons of why I dont have to be a boy, (Like, "Yeah, but there are girls that like girls that dont feel like boys.") but I stressed to her that I am not those people. I want to be a young man. I want to wear their clothing, and shave my face, and meet a girls father before a date, and hold open the car door... I want to be seen in society as a man, not a woman. 

She looked mortified by the entire thing. How could I blame her? She said she still loves me 100%, but that she needs time to think about everything, and process it. I started crying, and she said, if this is really what you wanted, you wouldn't be crying. I felt a little taken aback by this comment. I was crying because, (and I told her,) I'm afraid I'm going to lose her love, and support in me. It was hard to see her reaction. I pretty much expected something similar, but to watch her become distant, and not knowing if she is going to accept me fully.... It was definitely hard to do.